Who Really Gets Hurt In A Breakup…

So here’s something counter-intuitive… Something that Hallmark and mom and the Lifetime channel didn’t get right:

In a breakup, despite what movies or books or our mothers may tell us, it is not generally the woman who suffers the most…

In his book “The Stronger Sex”, Dr. Richard Driscoll cites the research:

“Research concludes that men are more deeply hurt by separations than women. Men tend to cling longer to dying relationships, and they fantasize longer about their former partners after it is over. On average, men take about twice as long to recover from failed relationships as do women… Women express more distress, while men tend to feel more distress but not show it as much…”

So, while women may complain and cry and carry on, inside it’s actually the guy who is really hurting.

Men may try to act cool and distant, but they bond more strongly in relationships… It is likely BECAUSE men are hurt so deeply when things don’t work out that they are more cautious about getting into the relationship…  Meanwhile, women aren’t hurt nearly as bad by breakups… which makes them more willing to talk about them and enter into them… (I mean, why not if it isn’t such a big deal to get out of it?)

Driscoll continues:

The common opinion that women are more emotionally dependent than men shows how nature tricks us. A woman wants a higher level of emotional involvement and is more readily upset when she does not receive it, thereby appearing more dependent. Yet she is more independent, in the important sense that it is easier for her to leave a relationship and to go on with her life. A typical man is more emotionally dependent in the important sense that he is less able to leave or to withstand the loss if the woman leaves.”

This is really important for you to understand as a man…  It is you who get hurt in the breakup… and it is much harder for a man to leave a woman than the other way around (this is AFTER you’ve bonded with a woman).  This explains the startling statistic that over 2/3 of divorces in the U.S. are initiated by women… And among college educated couples, 90% of divorces are initiated by women.

“The logic of genetic selection accounts for these perplexing traits. The woman who appears dependent obligates her mate to stay and provide for her, thus giving her children an advantage. She makes a man feel responsible for her because she could not make it without him-or so it seems. Yet when it is in her practical interest to leave, her relative independence makes it easier for her to do so than it would be for him.”

For men, genetic selection works the other way around. The man who appears strong and stable gives a woman confidence that he can support her, thereby increasing his chances of mating with her and producing offspring. Yet the sense of obligation that bonds him to his wife and children leaves him with less real independence than she has.”

So just remember, during a breakup, while a woman may cry, whine, pout and sob, it’s probably you who is really hurting on the inside.

And no, I won’t give you a hug.