“The Math of Attraction: How To Make Yourself a 10…”

Posted by Den on January 13, 2012 in Mating & Dating, Stuff Dad Didn't Teach You... |

When dealing with the early stages of meeting and dating women, one of the most important things to understand is the basic truism that women are not attracted to ‘nice guys’.  This is such an important concept for you to grasp because it sits at the root of most guy’s inability to successfully attract and date the kind of woman they really desire.

I first started picking up on this principle when I was in college.  When I met a girl at a party, in a class, or at the coffee house where I studied, I’d talk to her in a way that was very nice… I was polite, thoughtful and considerate.  I’d show a lot of interest, ask a lot of questions, furrow my eyebrows and nod my head a lot.  Sometimes I’d put on a skirt and a wig and offer to go shopping with her.  Well, not really… but looking back I realize that I may as well have.  Because even though I’d very often get a number, almost always I’d end up lost in Friendville…

The girls I met this way would systematically walk all over me, ignore me, not call, not return my calls, and simply flake.  If it was highly convenient for them, and there was a way to use me, then perhaps I’d have the honor of their company, where I’d be expected to buy them a meal and play tour-guide in exchange for ‘the hug’…  You know the one I mean… the hug where there’s a force-field around her hips that creates two feet of empty space between your stomachs, and a nice pat on the back to boot.  Ouch.

I noticed something else…  (I had a lot of time to observe things, since my social calendar made Ted Kaczynski look like a daring socialite).  Every once in a while I’d see one of these girls out again, and they’d be out with some guy who was a total jerk.  He’d make fun of her, ignore her, check out other women, and just be generally unavailable to her… and she’d hang on his arm like a rhesus monkey.

As for me, occasionally I’d get ‘lucky’, and meet a girl who had been in a relationship with a jerk, and who was treated so poorly that my attention felt good to her… for a short while.  But sooner or later, she’d return to the jerk for her ‘fix’.  Or sometimes, I’d have a girl pursue me, and I wouldn’t be all that into her, which seemed to drive her nuts, and make her all the more after me lucky charms.  I saw a theme developing… a pattern I couldn’t explain.

At the time it seemed like the most confusing thing in the world… why would a woman want to be treated poorly?  It seemed that more the woman was ignored, the more invested she became, and the nicer she was treated, the deeper into ‘Friendsville’ I found myself?  Women’s attraction to men who are ‘jerks’ is a universally accepted phenomenon, yet the nice guys remain nice…

…and lonely.

So why does an attractive woman ignore a ‘nice guy’ to end up in the arms of some ‘jerk’?  To understand this, you must first put yourself in the shoes of an attractive woman.  You have to understand her reality and how you fit into it.

To help you understand her reality, let me give you an example… Imagine you are walking through the Louvre museum in Paris…  This is a giant museum filled with some of the greatest masterpieces of our civilization…  Paintings worth millions… many that are priceless… works of art that define our culture, our society and our civilization.

But… there are 12 miles of paintings… after walking around for a few hours, you’re so overwhelmed by all the artwork that all you see is just another painting and another painting and another painting.  You are in sensory overload, and even though these are great works of art, it gets to the point where you are sort of sick of it, with the exception of the few paintings that REALLY JUMP OUT AT YOU. 

Every once in a while, you come across something totally different and fascinating, and it captures your attention.  But all the other paintings, even though they are masterpieces, just sort of disappear into the background.

This ‘jaded’ state of mind is the mind frame of the attractive woman being approached by men.  Like those paintings, you may be a masterpiece in your own way, but if you are to stand out to her, you must DISTINGUISH yourself from the other men out there… or risk disappearing into the background.

Now, for an attractive woman, there’s nothing unique or interesting about having you come up and tell her how great she is and how much you’d like to kiss her ass.  An attractive woman is approached anywhere from 5 to 47 times a day, every day, day after day for years and years, so she’s heard the same thing so many times, she probably feels like she can see into the future, because she knows what you’re going to do and say before you even walk up and say it.  While this approach may be unique for you, to her it is happening CONSTANTLY.

However, it is rare and fascinating when a guy shows he DOESN’T need a woman’s approval… when he shows he’s just as valuable as she is.  And how do you learn to project this message?  By learning from the behavior of successful ‘jerks’.

I think of it like this: everyone wants to do the best that they possibly can when it comes to catching a mate.  It’s human nature, the basic economics of dating… the calculus of attraction.  If you’re with a 7 and you think you can get a 10, you’re going to be on the lookout for that 10, looking for an ‘upgrade’.  Here’s the catch: we don’t come out of the womb with a number stamped on our foreheads.  For a man, it’s clearer when a woman is a 9 or a 10 to him, because a man’s attraction to a woman is mainly determined by physical appearance (hip to waist ratio, breast size, ratio of eyes to nose to lips, symmetry, etc).

However, for a woman, attraction to a man is determined by very different factors.  A woman will place much less emphasis on a man’s appearance, and will judge his attractiveness more by personality traits.  Thus, for a woman, the game is much more complicated.  It is unclear to a woman if a guy is a 6 or a 10 until he DOES SOMETHING, either good or bad, to demonstrate his character… is he confident?  Is he funny?  Is he insecure?  Guess what?  This is what is killing your game… and you know what?

THIS IS GREAT NEWS FOR YOU!

Because of this fact, you can change yourself from a 4 to a 9 or 10 by changing the way you present yourself to a woman… no costly plastic surgery, hair implants, ass implants, or designer wardrobe needed.  (well, the ass implants may help a bit…)

So how does this work?  Well, women are universally attracted to the qualities of confidence, composure, dominance and power… the qualities of the Alpha male.  So here’s what’s wrong with being a ‘nice guy’;  when a guy is ‘nice’ and kisses a woman’s ass, compliments her, tells her how much he likes her, wants to spend all his time with her… the scoring mechanism in the woman goes ‘hmm… well, he’s pretty into me… I must be able to do better; and, conversely, he probably can’t do any better than me.’

So she searches for a better match.

The guy, who probably realizes he can’t do any better, starts freaking out as he feels her slipping away, and gives off an even more insecure and needy vibe.  This cycle continues until the woman ultimately leaves him for a man who ‘gets it.’

What is that guy who ‘gets it’ like?  He’s the one the ‘nice guys’ call the ‘jerk’, the ‘asshole’, or the ‘bad-boy’.  The jerk can take or leave the woman, doesn’t care what she wants, thinks, or does.  He is totally indifferent to everything she does, is unaffected by her games, and is consistently displaying that he doesn’t need her approval.

He busts on her, breaks plans with her, forgets to call her, and she comes running back for more.  Why?  Because the message to her is LOUD AND CLEAR:

“I’m a 10 and you are lucky to have me.  By the way I treat you, it’s obvious that there’s no way you could do better… and if you look at how I treat you, you’ll realize I probably CAN do better than you.  So you’d better treat me well, because I just may leave you for a woman who is a 10.”
This attitude triggers a mechanism in the woman that says: I’ve caught a guy who is the best I could possibly do… maybe better than I will ever do again!  And as a result, she will do anything, (and I mean ANYTHING) to keep him.

Now you don’t have to be a jerk or an asshole to get her to view you as a 10…  By simply refusing to kiss her ass, by displaying your willingness to walk away, to remain unaffected by her theatrics when she tests you, and to tease her as you would a girl you’re not interested in, you send the same message (without all the emotional scarring).

So the bad news is that the way you treat yourself is making you look like a loser.

But the great news is that you can choose to set your own price.  You determine your worth by the way you hold yourself, and the way you treat yourself in relation to her.

IT”S LIKE THE MATRIX… you create your own reality!

So the next time you’re approaching a woman, remind yourself of this simple fact:  if you treat yourself like a 10, you will be.

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